Manchester, so much to answer for: there was good news for indifferent under 13 go-kart drivers today with the announcement that following the success of the Team GB Olympic cyclists, the Manchester velodrome many of them practised on would now double up as an oval racing training centre for drivers not-quite-good-enough to get to F1.
Sick at the sight of endlessly repeated clips of an annoyingly precocious 6 year old Lewis Hamilton being better than adults at everything, organisers of the initiative have vowed to put mediocrity first and create a generation of British IRL drivers just about good enough to take on – and shade – a bunch of similarly undistinguished Americans in their own backyard.
British stars of tomorrow, not in this picture
Head of Making People Feel Better about Themselves Through Watching Other People Win Things in Sport, Dr Stuart Quick-Biscuits said, “thanks to the Olympics, we are in a position to help those kids who are quite good but not that good at driving to become good enough to look better than they really are by competing in IRL against people who aren’t as good as they are to the same extent.
“We hope that through an intense training program of going around and around in circles using carefully vetted pedestrian and unremarkable young drivers we can create a generation of sportsmen and women Britain can be kind of proud of.”
Support for the scheme was enthusiastic, “it’s a dream come true,” one fair-to-middling talent commented.
“I regularly finish 5th or 6th in my races and I probably won’t even get to race in the Seat Ibiza championship but if I can get a place on this scheme I’m sure I have sufficient ability to win if I only have to turn left all the time.”
Work will begin immediately on altering the facility to make the go-kartists feel more at home by hanging up some semi-pornographic calendars, installing a snack machine and replacing staff with 3 bored looking teenagers in oily overalls with their arses hanging out.