32 Manor Park Road: A 53 year old woman from Caithness has today sensationally announced she has a contract from Bernie Ecclestone to run the British Grand Prix from her house.
The retired mother of two and partly-qualified supermarket assistant, Mrs Toni Hadley explained her vision of 21st Century Grand Prix racing outside the door of the proposed venue, a mock-Tudor 3-up-2-down 1985 Wimpey built semi.
“It is going to be a wonderful event”, she began, “I have well over 150 million promised to me upon the death of my aunt Edith – at least, that’s what she keeps saying over and over again when I go to see her at the care home each week just before the staff empty her colostomy bag and inject her with Mogadon. Having shown Mr Ecclestone my plans coupled with the guarantees from my burbling aunt just before sedation, he was convinced we should win the contract over Silverstone”.
Despite fears that more space may be required for an entire grid of 700 horsepower racing cars, she was adamant her facility would be open in time; “the planning applications have already been lodged with the council”, she explained, “it will be a marvellous facility and yet still remain a magnificent family home.”
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Mrs Hadley then detailed how her otherwise unprepossessing dwelling was going to be transformed into a state-of-the-art Grand Prix track by:
• Knocking the lounge through to create the pits complex
• Extending the conservatory to provide a new media centre
• Replacing the dining room table with a breakfast bar to provide an overtaking opportunity in the kitchen
• Installing a cantilevered Velux Window in the attic through which helicopters can land
And despite fears her deal could be usurped by other contenders, Toni was adamant she would win doubters over.
“I have the confidence, backing and contract to pull this off – and that’s before we even mention the extra parking we can get if next door go on holiday for the race like they promised they would.”