Coulthard to be melted down and broken up

Bermondsey Recycling Plant: The Scottish F1 driver David Coulthard is to be broken up at the end of the current F1 season a tearful Red Bull work force was informed last night.

The 13-time GP winner has reached the end of useful service and will be towed into Strathclyde dockyards following the Brazilian Grand Prix and turned into scrap.

Team boss Christian Horner said, “this is a sad day for our team.”

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“But it is the right time for all of us to say goodbye to David and thank him for all his hard work and dedication over the last 3 years. Although many will be unhappy at this announcement it is entirely appropriate the retirement of such a stalwart performer will simultaneously create much good.”

“Providing jobs for 100s of otherwise unemployable Jocks and allowing our mechanics some sleep rather than providing a round-the-clock panel beating facility”.

The announcement brings an end to speculation concerning the Scottish driver’s immediate future that he was to be ceremoniously drowned in the Red Bull Flugtag festival or strapped to one of the Air Race bollards and sliced in half with a Cessna.

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