Bernie Ecclestone today moved to defuse the seemingly endless temper tantrums that surround F1’s annual foray to Northamptonshire by suggesting that reports he wanted 40 million quid for new building work and exponential increases in cash from the circuit from 2010 for ever and ever were misinterpreted as fact.
Draped with a fucking expensive fur coat atop a unicorn inside his private jet, “Napoleon-Complex” Ecclestone rebutted the accusation that he was a myopic, money-grubbing git not remotely interested in tradition, fairness or European fans just as long as he earned enough money to keep himself in the top 10 Richest Arseholes Sunday Times supplement each year thereby intimidating enough people to give his otherwise worthless offspring fantastically well paid, zero-effort employment.
Through a webcam of solid gold festooned with emeralds he addressed his audience, “I’ve never had a problem with Silverstone”, the pint-sized billionaire began, “I’ve never had a problem with its shitty facilities, piss-poor location, crap parking, amateur management or foghorn tartan mascot, Jackie Stewart.
“Obviously I was only joking when I said I wanted all those new buildings, roads, car-parks, hospitality facilities, hotels, track improvements, grandstands, media centres and vending machines; I didn’t actually think they’d go and put them in”, he exasperated.
Bernie: definitely not constantly transfixed with loads of these
Pausing only to hoik himself further up the mythical cloven beast, Ecclestone then continued; “you just can’t understand a little joke can you? Like that one I made about women only being useful in the kitchen and Africans all being corrupt; I didn’t mean either of them, probably.
“Bloody hell, I’m a billionaire: I can afford to pull people’s legs from time to time. At this rate I won’t even be able to tell those Paki gags at this rate”, he thundered in that pipsqueak way of his.
Silverstone officials were delighted at the news but were wary of celebrating until they had seen anything in writing; “does that mean I can put this shovel down then?” said one, “only we couldn’t afford a JCB to put in Bernie’s Olympic swimming pool.”