Tokyo stock exchange: In a devastating statement issued by representatives of the IMF and World Bank, Japan was today issued with a profits warning for 2008 and ordered to cease its, “unhealthy, bordering on superstitious attachment to Takuma Sato”.
In a move certain to traumatize the whole of the country, the direct impact of the directive was the immediate dissolution of the Super Aguri team and with it, Japan’s only F1 hope, Takuma Sato, (apart from Kazuki Nakajima and the other 2).
Ever since 2006 when Honda decided the fate of their F1 team would be better served by someone other than the accident-prone lunatic, the Japanese nation decided as one to find some way of getting their favourite countryman back where he belonged: on the circuit. Or off it. Possibly in bits.
And – thanks to a complicated offshore finance vehicle doubling up as F1 team Super Aguri – this was duly achieved albeit at a cost: some 40 billion yen a year per Japanese citizen. That’s nearly a fiver in British currency!
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Inevitably however, the financial burden took its toll on the Japanese economy. Unless they did not give up its expensive preoccupation with Sato, the IMF warned, Japan would be officially relegated into the 2nd tier of world economies known as the Third World.
This would mean relying on charity hand outs, replacing African faces with Japanese ones on Oxfam posters as the official symbol of patronised, useless, needy people and giving up their seat at the G8 – the one near the toilet with the special orthopaedic swivel chair, complicated lumber adjustments and comfy padding. This was not deemed acceptable to the Japanese government and Super Aguri was officially dissolved. Albeit not literally – like an aspirin.
Reaction from the Japanese public is expected to be fierce but Sato should not be out of a job for long with the FIA said to be looking for a new crash test simulator to replace the current system. Said a spokesman, “the current system [using computers to smash chassis with sledgehammers] is accurate but a bit boring. I reckon if we strap Taku into each car and send him out we should be able to generate just as good data and some decent VT: hopefully we can shift a few DVDs as well in that case.”