Coulthard regretting Red Bull magnetized wheels strategy

Inside Adrian Newey’s head: Red Bull slaphead technical guru Adrian Newey has been forced to apologise to Dairy League Triangle-Jawed driver David Coulthard for failing to inform the geriatric Scots traffic bollard of the massive magnets placed inside the rims of his RB5 car.


Following several highly embarrassing incidents involving the trundling highlander and every single other driver on the grid, Newey admitted last week that this may have been due to an experiment he had been running inside the Red Bull car of the Scots crasher.

“It’s well known that Adrian is obsessed by the film Back to the Future; in particular, the “flux capacitor” that makes the De Lorean travel backwards and forwards in time,” a source close to the team told us.


“Despite strong evidence that this is merely a completely fictional device invented by the film’s writers, Adrian decided to try something in DC’s car based on his understanding of the object’s principles”.

Fucked Capacitor

“Unfortunately, Adrian’s attempts to bend time backwards using the centrifugal forces of giant magnets spinning inside the rims of the wheels, thereby gaining crucial tenths of a second actually only caused other cars to be attracted to the DC’s car.”

Fruit cake

It is not known whether the Scottish Crash Bandicoot has accepted the apology with good grace or gone off on a Highland fling but one thing is certain: the Red Bull designer hasn’t given up on trying to find the performance edge he so craves,


“I don’t know about David but I know Adrian isn’t done with this idea. He thinks he’s just got the execution a bit wrong; judging by the fact DC seems to be slowing down rather than speeding up, I reckon he’s put the magnets in the wrong way round.”

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