The mantle: crazy billionaire megalomaniac and F1 rights holder Bernie Ecclestone was facing the unusual prospect of rejection following negotiations with the Earth to stop spinning on its axis.
The harebrained scheme to enable races in Australia and the Far East to take place at night during the day time was rejected following weeks of tortuous discussions, the planet subsequently issuing a statement through the medium of wind.
“It is with regret that the Earth today announces it has withdrawn from negotiations with Mr Ecclestone concerning his plans to hold well lit Formula 1 races at night”, it whistled.
The Earth: soft centre, hard negotiator
“Despite positive initial discussions more detailed consideration of the practical and logistical impacts of such a venture [immediately halting the Earth’s rotation for the purposes of fixing the sun at a single point above the earth’s surface for an indefinite period] coupled with a last minute viewing of the 2003 Blockbuster film The Core (starring Aaron Eckhart, Hilary Swank and Delroy Lindo), it was decided that the creation of apocalyptic weather, earthquakes and tidal waves; the decaying of the earth’s magnetic fields, destruction of the protective Van Allen radiation belts and inevitable deaths of millions this would entail outweighed the positive benefit of Europeans being able to watch cars going quickly round some tarmac on the other side of the world without having to get up very early in the morning to do so”, it blustered.
“The Earth would like to thank Mr Ecclestone for all his efforts during the negotiations; in addition acknowledging that at no time was it concerned about the level of remuneration set out for this arrangement.
“In fact it is disappointed to be dropping out since finance was always planned around the much needed re-generation of the rainforests and a general sprucing up of the Grand Canyon; neither of which had seen recent finance commensurate with their majestic natural beauty”, gusted the spokes-element.
Ecclestone was unavailable for comment; “he’s gone to the equator to look at a massive drill-thingy some mad scientist has built”, said a spokesman.