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Posts Tagged ‘Renault’

Petrov outburst threatened with contract extension

Total Recall: Nobody in the F1 paddock is quite sure who they’re working for any more, reveals our uncertain employment correspondent, Steve Bumcheeks.

Following the Geneva summit at which 3 existing teams were allowed to change their names to something more suitable for everyone except those who’ve bought any instantly defunct merchandise, many in the industry have been left uncertain as to who is actually paying their wages from now on.

“Yesterday I was working for something called Renault.  Or Renault Lotus.  Or Lotus Renault.  Or something like that,” chassis fabricator, Starck Buffage told us.

If you think this looks stupid, you wait till we turn it into an F1 team

“You know: the one that sounds like a proper Lotus but doesn’t break down as often.”

“But this morning I wake up and apparently I’m now working for just plain Lotus; even though I’m pretty certain I haven’t been for any job interviews or had my P45.”

The three teams in question, Team Lotus, Renault and Virgin are respectively to be called Caterham, Lotus and Marussia going forwards though equally plausibly could be known as Brian, Sue and Mr Richards or Sainsburys, 7-Up and Foot Locker depending on your attitude to logic or upcoming sponsorship discussions.

“I think it’s utterly charming the teams can be so understanding as to each others’ self-image issues,” Professor Hans Grasping of Bournemouth’s University of Money commented.

“Individuals can have identity crises which can be psychologically very traumatic and that’s undoubtedly what’s happened here.”

“Unless it isn’t and it’s actually about conning a gullible audience into giving them more money in which case it’s very, very impressive and the public are very, very stupid,” he added.

Employees of various teams were said to be confused, very confused and Eddie Jordan regarding who the fuck employed them, where they now worked and whether or not this meant they truly existed in a physical sense, any longer.

“Look, I’ve got a mortgage to pay – all I want to know is: does this company name on my payslip mean anything, is the factory still where it was last Tuesday and do I still come to work in this company embroidered shirt or do I have to scribble it out in biro or something?” the employee was still going on about.

Simone de Beauvoir was said to be considering whether these developments encouraged her thesis that existence precedes essence or in fact undermined the Hegelian concept of the Other before realising she’d been dead for 25 years and actually it was all a bit academic.

Kubica diverting Boullier calls straight to tourettes App

Senna thanks Renault for chance to hang out with old mates back here

Earthrealm: Robert Kubica is wondering if his comeback has been scripted by the same bloke who came up with the Tekken franchise, writes our convoluted beat-em-up plot correspondent, Dolph Lundgren.

Currently convalescing in a Krakow A&E ward, the Pole has been slowly recovering from a horrific accident earlier in the year in which the 26 year old inadvertently took part in a high speed precision driving between very sharp, hard objects event ending with the intervention of a solid concrete parapet, winch and heavy duty cutting gear.

Petrov pummeling possibility for Pole?

Since then, the Renault-contracted driver has seen his potential 2012 team-mate morph from a Russian whose appearance, voice and driving technique increasingly resembles Drago from Rocky IV, a former colleague he struggled to vanquish in a series of increasingly testing but mysteriously recurring encounters to a younger relative of the greatest legend that ever held a steering wheel.

“Don’t get me wrong, Robert is itching to get back behind the wheel,” his manager, Robert Robinson told us.

“But equally, he’s trying to figure out whether any of these 3 really will be an opponent or if – for all he knows – by the time he gets back in the car, it will be a Bruce Lee lookalike, violent Holly Willoughby-esque gymnast or boxing glove-wearing panda.”

“We wish Robert well in his continuing recovery,” head Renault honcho, Eric Boullier said.

“And I can confirm that whoever we choose as his team-mate it will be the best man for the job and not just somebody who can improve the team’s finances; a 7 foot tall bloke with a quiff for example, or disco dancing ragamuffin.”

“Unless Lewis decides to leave his current employer, in which case: we’ll reserve the right to review the situation,” he added.