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Posts Tagged ‘Red Bull’

Blind faith in the unproven hypothesis Red Bull won’t be able to come up with the best car for the 3rd year running has enabled the F1 media to narrow the Milton Keynes based-team’s advantage for 2012.

Following 2 tests at which all the major players and Lotus drove round and round in circles in an attempt to set the most disingenuous lap times of the winter, pundits were united in their belief that Red Bull couldn’t possibly be about to piss off the viewing public as much as last year, surely?

And as various hacks hurried trackside to scrutinise mid-corner oversteer, gauge fuel levels and compare tyre compounds, the rest returned to their word processors between cobbling together dubious expense claim forms to write 500 words about why everything would definitely be a lot closer this year.

Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit

“These days, gauging everyone’s relative speed in testing is as much an art as it is a science,” journalist, Chesney Pencils told us.

“So with that in mind, I’ve decided not to bother looking at the cars on track much and stay in the warm of the press centre desperately staving off my hangover with endless cups of strong coffee and writing stuff about why Red Bull aren’t as good as last year or Mclaren are better or whatever seems to be the most plausible scenario that vodka-hazed morning.”

And with neither of the faux-trendy, fizzy drink backed cars topping the time sheets over the course of the Iberian tests, the credibility of the competitiveness quotient increase hypothesis began to take on the form of something that almost ceased to sound like pure, trumped-up bullshit.

“Force India, Williams and Sauber setting preposterous lap times was a breath of fresh air for both the upcoming season and my impending deadline,” Pencils continued.

“Especially because now nobody knows what the fuck is going on so I can write any old shit about Williams being a dark horse – again - Ferrari being shit – or good, depending on what day of the week it is – and why Red Bull won’t be as dominant even though I’ve just put last night’s entirely legitimate client entertainment bill on Seb to be a triple world champion come October,” he told us whilst staring at his Twitter updates.

Adrian Newey’s interpretation of the new Formula 1 rules will have a powerful impact on his competitor peers’ nagging sense of inferiority, writes our neurosis correspondent, Daz Whitener.

Just hours before the unveiling of Red Bull’s latest car – the RB8 – speculation was rife that the balding 53 year old’s newest creation would contain subtle yet groundbreaking innovations immediately showing up his rivals as the 2nd rate has-been aerodynamic ignoramuses they undoubtedly are.

“Ever since the new rules were published I’ve spent 14 hours a sodding day at the factory poring over aerodynamic data, computer models and simulations of such bewildering complexity they exist at the very edge of 21st Century human comprehension,” one designer at another team told us.

And don’t stare at the nose section with the setting on ‘Hurricane’

“If the termination of my marriage by a Carphone Warehouse salesman, complete anonymity to my children and the now permanent wind tunnel sculpted side parting on my head is to mean anything it’s that that disco potion funded bastard still hasn’t found half a dozen things I’ve missed.”

“I swear to God: if it has just one unorthodox front wing endplate I will personally set fire to our wind turbine,” he added.

Red Bull boss Christian Horner has in the meantime praised his team’s level of preparation and productivity during the 2011 off-season, promising to heap yet more misery on the viewing public as if it didn’t have enough already what with a recession and having to pay 400 fucking quid a year for the thing everyone was apparently perfectly happy people could get for nothing up till now.

“…just fucking one ingenious packaging of the rear exhaust assembly,” the designer continued, “I promise…I will blow up the whole of fucking Milton Keynes,” he yelled from the car he’s been sleeping in since October.

The ruthless, bloody fight to the death for Mark Webber’s Red Bull seat is to be filmed by the BBC’s Natural History Unit.

Ever since the tortured careers of Scot Speed, David Coulthard and Sebastian Bourdais were cast into the F1 job centre, the identity of either Red Bull driver has been a horror show of dog-eat-dog and driver-niggle-other-driver-prior-to-crashing-into-him.

Now, following the latest declaration of intent to unseat incumbent grizzled greying Antipodean miseryguts, Mark Webber by the newest Torro Rosso aggressive juveniles, the same unit charged with filming a pack of wolves ripping the throat out of a pregnant Bison in glorious HD are to be the official documentarist for the fizzy-drink sponsored fight to the driver dole-queue.

Alguerasari gets that difficult phone call

“This is a brilliant opportunity,” 21^st Century Dr Doolittle, David Attenborough told us.

“Though many of us think we know all about how a Formula 1 Team habitually culls its roster to recruit a new phalanx of alpha males, never in the history of cameras have we been allowed into this once utterly private realm to gaze upon the bestial carnage at first hand.”

The new series – ‘Laps Land‘ – will feature genuine first-hand footage of all the relevant protagonists with the makers promising no-holds barred coverage of driver dressing downs and drubbings never previously caught on film.

“It will be beautiful – but ugly.  Though the ugly will be beautiful in its own way, too.”

“Basically there will be a lot of yelling and screaming and blood flying and crying and grown men sobbing and shitting themselves in terror their minutely orchestrated proto-childhood was actually a grotesque manipulated fantasy built on the deluded proxy dreams of their frustrated starstruck fathers – in stunning high definition.”

“It will make that bit where the shark bites the seal in half 30 feet out of the water look like a fucking Dogtanion cartoon,” said the Knight of the realm.

Red Bull job-seeker academy up and running