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Posts Tagged ‘michael schumacher’

Schuey “don’t expect championship” just raised my expectations, admits fan

Do not pass go: Michael Schumacher sparked a fierce familial war of words at the weekend when during a game of Monopoly the 7-time champion attempted to build a hotel on Park Lane at the same time as landing on it, writes our board game correspondent, Mike Buckaroo.

Winding down after a hard day’s intimidation, the 42-year-old German had agreed to a placid evening of semi-competitive entertainment round the family’s set of the popular property acquisition-glamourising game of luck and simple-minded greed.

“We were all having a lovely time,” one competitor told us.

Mortgage mayhem at the Schuey residence

“Michael was obviously pumped after his afternoon’s work but was mucking in with the rest of us; he’d even agreed to forego his usual playing piece so that Ralf could finally get to be the car.”

But barely 10 minutes after he’d insisted on at the very least playing as the pewter dog, the Schumacher front room was dealt a potentially devastating Community Chest when the German attempted to purchase a hotel immediately on landing upon the world’s most expensive 2D bit of real estate.

“We were stunned,” the insider continued.

“Obviously over the years we’ve become used to Michael’s insouciant cynical rule bending but his insistence that what he was doing was completely acceptable was what threw us.”

“Even when we showed him the rulebook, he continued saying he was right because he was playing by the Italian rules whereas we only had the German.”

“Then when we tried to remonstrate with him he just stuck his fingers in his ears and began going, ‘la-la-la’ at us: it was quite extraordinary behaviour.”

Luckily, the intervention of a phone call averted potential Schumacher family meltdown.

“Ross [Brawn] called him – for a chat – but when Michael described what was going on they had a longer conversation which seemed to get a bit heated.”

“Michael then rang off and agreed he’d not purchase the hotel but only if Ralf put the 200 quid back he saw him nick earlier. We were back on after that, but it was a bit frosty, I can tell you.”

The result of the reconvened contest isn’t known though a later game of Twister is believed to have gotten into difficulty when the German’s claims of inveterate colour blindness sparked a fist fight over the location of a trickily placed yellow circle.

Post-Traumatic Stress Clinic: Levels of respect and affection for Michael Schumacher have returned to the level they were at when he first started in Formula 1, writes our nostalgia correspondent, Flock Tudor.

Returning to the venue of his first victory, the 42 year old German was all smiles and his old adversaries rictus masks of utter terror as friend and foe alike gathered to reminisce about the great man’s career.

“It’s funny thinking about how things have turned out – especially if you’ve not been killed or injured to the point where you can still do that,” one bag of nerves ex-competitor explained.

Red Baron now back on Frentzen Xmas card list

“But luckily I saw him coming some 10 years ago and rather than take my normal racing line, practically drove off the track otherwise I’d be having this conversation from a hospital bed via the same sort of contraption Steven Hawking’s plugged into.”

“20 years ago, everyone remembers this slightly shy, gangly, fresh-faced kid who was utterly charming yet blew everybody’s doors off,” one team principle reminisced, wincing slightly.

“But, you know: Ming the Merciless probably looked cute as a kid as well so why the hell should anybody be all that surprised about how much of a cheating, dangerous scumbag he turned into or how much everyone’s forgotten that now he’s shit?”

And as Michael grinned his toothy grin at the bank of assembled cameramen and journalists; the crows’ lines slightly more pronounced, forehead a little more exposed, eyes now tinged with a hint of melancholy, all but the harshest hearts put aside petty memories of bullying, sanctimoniousness, intimidation, hypocrisy and blatant cheating so as not to spoil the taste of these delicious canapes and glasses of Moet being handed round for this whatever it was they were celebrating.

Schuey anniversary cake to be decorated with 20 years of accident damage