pitflaps.co.uk

Posts Tagged ‘lotus’

Lotus align testing speed with identity credibility

New Lotus launches Raikkonen disinterest countdown

The FIA’s banning of reactive ride systems has greatly relieved the Lotus team who were beginning to wonder if they were ever going to figure out how the ruddy thing worked.

Announcing the ban last Friday, the governing body explained that its hand-picked team of rule-flaunt checkers had acted once it became clear the thing that was designed to deliberately flaunt the rules turned out to be flaunting the rules.

“Following the careful perusal of plans submitted to us a year ago by the team in question [Lotus] describing exactly how they were going to cheat, the FIA has come to the conclusion that this is cheating,” king of the cheat-catchers, Charlie Whiting explained.

Removing handbrake expertise right up there, though

“We would like to apologise for the delay in this adjudication but once it became clear another team were also developing the technology a careful assessment had to be made whether this development was a valid, clever innovation of the existing rulebook, given the investment of both parties.”

“Once it was discovered Ferrari didn’t know how it worked either however, we immediately came to the unanimous conclusion this was obviously a cynical, wasteful interpretation of explicit, unambiguous regulations concerning aerodynamics and suspension and that.”

Despite the last second ban wasting potentially hundreds of hours of valuable Angry Birds practice, Lotus engineers were privately sanguine about the move.

“It’s true we’ve spent a lot of time on this,” engineer, Mickey Spanners told us.

“But frankly, I haven’t got a clue how the bastard works.  And neither does our designer.”

“We’d only have been shitting ourselves we were putting it on upside down for the first test.  Now at least if we’re slow we won’t be tying ourselves in knots trying to explain this suspension stuff.”

“We’ll almost certainly be slow for all the usual reasons which we’re much more comfortable with,” he admitted.

Crazy engineering shit to prove Lotus authenticity

Lotus have suddenly realised pumping out an endless stream of inane PR isn’t enough to compete in Formula 1, writes our marketing guff correspondent, Hugo Toss.

The black and gold marketing shell company leveraged by a venture capitalist firm to flog authentically British cars as made in Malaysia has been in the news a lot lately which is absolutely terrific for their online profile, this Marketing consultancy firm told the team as part of their frankly terrifying 2012 strategy presentation.

“The team has figured really prominently in a whole series of PR initiatives,” gruesome, beaming shit-ponce Jamie Whittington-Hopecrush the Third told a room of gullible, dribbling executives.

Sausages taste better on the new Lotus(c) barbecue set

“If we look at this graph we can see how recent concerted activity in the digital sphere has contributed to a positive upswing in brand recognition by the public,” he began, ominously; pointing at a series of coloured lines promising equal squalid moments of boredom, perturbation and disgust.

“If we look at this graph we can see how the longer I keep saying this sort of stuff, the more it feels like Powerpoint and myself are gang-raping your brain,” he continued.

“And if we look at this graph we can see my expenses; so long as you stop crying for long enough.”

But the team that used to be Toleman before it used to be Benetton before it became Renault before it stopped even pretending the name meant anything at all was in danger of not making the grid for 2012 if it couldn’t at least bolt together something black and gold coloured that looked sort of car-like and could separately seat an ex-drunk and Pinocchio look-alike winner.

“It’s true; apparently we have to build a car as well as making high-profile announcements about  drivers who are past-it, women or French,” team principal, Eric Boullier told reporters.

“I’m gutted: I thought once we got the name sorted out all we had to do was paint a cardboard cutout of a car and ensure we had enough bikini-clad models to wave at the press 20 times a year.  We’ll definitely have to take another look at next year’s budget even though there’s not much slack in it once we agreed to pick up Kimi’s mini-bar tab,” he concluded.

Design and construction of the new car would begin immediately, Boullier explained though not until he’d simultaneously announced a tie-in with the new Spiderman film and the launch of Lotus-branded limited edition objects including t-shirts, i-Phone cases and High Court injunctions.