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Posts Tagged ‘Lewis Hamilton’

Spain: Felipe Massa has laid the blame for being unable to blame Lewis Hamilton for his latest debacle squarely on Lewis Hamilton, writes our blame game shame aim correspondent, Amy Maim.

After 55 laps of the usual cartoon violence, 30 year old Massa parked his Ferrari in Abu Dhabi Parc ferme, firmly of the opinion that if it hadn’t been for Lewis Hamilton not getting in his way this time, things could have been a lot worse than 5^th place.

“Once again I am finishing the race disappointed and once again, I am disappointed in Lewis,” the Brazilian told reporters, without being asked.

When would you like the distracting lilt of my northern accent to become publicly audible?

“I had a very difficult race; with the tyres, with the strategy and – finally – with Lewis not being the reason I have to talk about why I’m slow again,” he explained.

“Instead of standing here, complaining about Lewis being the reason for me standing here complaining I am instead left complaining for no good reason which therefore must be Lewis’ fault as well – somehow or other,” he sniveled.

Journalists were left disappointed at the end of the twilight race when it became clear they’d have to interview the slightly dull Brazilian about his perfunctory, error-ridden run without so much as some unconvincing trash talk from his Mclaren nemesis to stave off their jet lag-heightened hangovers.

For despite sterling efforts from the Sao Paulo resident to catch and inadvertently tangle with Red Bull pilot, Mark Webber the 2008 runner-up was left fuming about having to leave the track entirely from his own efforts.

“Felipe will feel hard done by,” race analyst, Liam Fritzshandy commented.

“If Lewis had been slightly closer to Seb going into turn 1, he might have tangled, gone to the back of the field and thereby renewed his deathwish with the Ferrari Number 2 during his charge back through the field.”

“It’s therefore entirely plausible Felipe could have been seen as the victim once again of unnecessarily forceful driving from a competitor rather than unnecessarily incompetent driving from himself.”

“And the last thing Felipe needs or wants is for anybody to notice that,” he added.

It’s thought that Robert Kubica is making a limp-wristed gesture about all of this, possibly because it’s the one thing he can do.

Argos: Nicholas Hamilton is concerned his brother’s Abu Dhabi F1 victory Birthday present has made all his subsequent parental gift efforts utterly inadequate, writes our spoilt bastard correspondent, Spoilt Bastard.

Crossing the finish line to record his first victory since Germany in July, the 26 year old from Stevenage dedicated the win to the woman who in the past brought him up and at that point was swanning around the paddock downing pink gins in between games of Crib and talking about how all this sand kept getting in her food.

But despite the 55 year old’s apparent preference for scratchcards and Royal Wedding china and glass sets, the 2008 World Champion’s younger brother fears a precedent has now been set for the rest of his parental present buying life.

If this isn’t diamonds I am going to go fucking mental

“We don’t share the same mum, but Lewis has made things very difficult for me now,” Nic told reporters.

“Last year I got my mum an i-Pod which I thought was pretty good.”

“This year I was going to get her a balloon ride which might not sound much but she loves balloons and it’s not cheap, I can tell you; but Lewis has just made that look like I’ve put a ribbon on one of my turds and put it in the post.”

His third victory of the 2011 campaign puts Lewis 15^th in the all-time winners list, ahead of Stirling Moss but behind Kimi Raikkonen whilst the Birthday present is officially the 3^rd best of all time behind Lance Armstrong’s 6^th Tour de France victory, dedicated to his 85 year old grandmother, Gladys but some way off the tiny metal cathedral bounced off Silvio Berlusconi’s face, a disgruntled Italian bequeathed the world in 2009.

“Whatever I do now, she’s always going to look at Lewis,” Nic concluded despondently.

“Basically, I’m going to have to forget about a Renault Clio class victory from Thruxton followed by 2 for 1 at Zizzi’s being good enough, ever again.”

It’s thought that Lewis, appreciating the gravity of his actions has commissioned the building of a massive Bingo hall in his back garden and is currently looking closely at lavender farm investment in the Far East.

Hamilton return to form sparks steward redundancy fears