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Posts Tagged ‘jenson button’

Pussycat Dolls music deletion, ‘will make Lewis stronger’, fears Button

Rainbow Islands: Jenson Button’s multi-million pound, multi-year Mclaren deal has never happened in any of the versions of Grand Theft Auto Lewis Hamilton has played through, writes our video game reality star correspondent, Dominic Diamond.

Speaking after the announcement of his team-mate’s new contract, the younger of the 2 Englishmen commented that at no point during the hundreds of times he’d played GTA Woking Warriors did the Head and Shoulders model last beyond the first half hour.

At best, the 2009 World Champion made it as far as the equivalent of level 2 but usually he’d been gunned down by a jealous pimp or run over by a JCB driven by an enraged ex-Mclaren employee on crack well before that.

Usually, Jenson doesn’t even get out of Q1, claims Lewis

He’d certainly never made it to the end of the game; picking up a fat fucking pay check, getting the girl, the plaudits and a general air of karmic well-being the smug bastard now seems to have permanently frigging adopted, Hamilton muttered under his breath.

“Lewis has had a difficult season,” paddock pundit, Jeannie Cockwand noted.

“But this has been made worse by his relative immaturity: Lewis is still at an age where much of his understanding of the world will be acquired via throaway media such as video games, Twitter and TV shows like the X Factor, Newsround and Top Cat.”

“He has clearly found that expectations set in such heavily mediated, sugar-coated, superficial environments do not match the harsh reality of life as an unbelievably wealthy young man dating a pneumatic pop star doing a job half the planet would kill for,” he analysed.

“Such a contrast is likely to cause much conflict in the young man’s mind and could easily lead to atypical, imperfect decision-making: such as the errors in Belgium and Singapore and failing to get past the end of level guardian on Super Mario Galaxy.”

Jenson meanwhile, was thought to be grinning his lop-sided grin whilst man-handling a mighty stalk at all the cash sloshing around his fireproof overalls.

Magic Circle: Jenson Button’s 2011 driver’s title will amaze you even more than Robbie Williams singing a nursery rhyme whilst a conjuror inserts needles into his arms, writes our optical illusion correspondent, Merlin Breadbins.

The 31 year old’s implausible Hungarian victory, vanquishing both changeable conditions and a team-mate intent on recreating the plot of Death Race 2000 each week, prompted the apparently delusional championship statement from the fluffy-haired ballerina-banger.

But despite being nearly 40 million points behind current leader, German Sebastian Vettel the bloke with the half-cut dad insisted the impossible could become real – in the blink of an eye.

“I know this looks utterly implausible,” he told an audience at the Soho Theatre from behind a bar stool on which was perched an upside-down top hat.

What’s that Sooty….? You think it seems fucking implausible as well?

“But everything is not always what it seems,” he said, inviting an audience member to pick a card – any card – from this unmarked deck.

“So what can appear impossible – magical, even; in reality is just a very simple trick that when revealed, will blow your mind’, he told the assembled guests before correctly selecting the 9 of diamonds to a thin trickle of applause.

But despite the superficially impressive sleight of hand skills, the massive points gap left even the most sceptical sceptics deeply sceptical about the Englishman’s chances.

“I think what he’s suggesting is impossible,” a sceptic commented.

“It would have to be like Paul Daniels crossed with David Copperfield to the power of 10. Or at least as impressive as if that fella who got eaten by that lion’s hand had emerged, semi-digested clutching the card the lion was thinking of whilst it was swallowing him,” he speculated.

You are feeling v-e-e-e-e-e-r-y st-u-u-pid…

Others though, felt the Mclaren driver should be given a chance; “I think it’s doable,” one fan told us having been bamboozled by the Head and Shoulders model’s movement of 3 cups and a sponge ball not 20 minutes earlier.

“If David Blaine can live in a Perspex box over the Thames whilst people fling shit at him for a month then Jense can definitely overhaul Seb come Abu Dhabi – in fact, I’ve put a tenner on it already!” the blithering imbecile blurted.

And some at least have decided to follow his lead as Button’s odds were immediately slashed in bookmakers across the country from 10,000-1 to 27,000-3.

“Anything’s possible!” a bookmaker commented, “but no I wouldn’t worry about putting your contact details on that betting stub.”

“Me too!” Button web hack Kubica reaction ends in wheelchair tumble embarrassment

“That’s weird: I wanted to end his career at Mclaren as well”: Hamilton backs Button plea