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Posts Tagged ‘FIA’

The FIA’s banning of reactive ride systems has greatly relieved the Lotus team who were beginning to wonder if they were ever going to figure out how the ruddy thing worked.

Announcing the ban last Friday, the governing body explained that its hand-picked team of rule-flaunt checkers had acted once it became clear the thing that was designed to deliberately flaunt the rules turned out to be flaunting the rules.

“Following the careful perusal of plans submitted to us a year ago by the team in question [Lotus] describing exactly how they were going to cheat, the FIA has come to the conclusion that this is cheating,” king of the cheat-catchers, Charlie Whiting explained.

Removing handbrake expertise right up there, though

“We would like to apologise for the delay in this adjudication but once it became clear another team were also developing the technology a careful assessment had to be made whether this development was a valid, clever innovation of the existing rulebook, given the investment of both parties.”

“Once it was discovered Ferrari didn’t know how it worked either however, we immediately came to the unanimous conclusion this was obviously a cynical, wasteful interpretation of explicit, unambiguous regulations concerning aerodynamics and suspension and that.”

Despite the last second ban wasting potentially hundreds of hours of valuable Angry Birds practice, Lotus engineers were privately sanguine about the move.

“It’s true we’ve spent a lot of time on this,” engineer, Mickey Spanners told us.

“But frankly, I haven’t got a clue how the bastard works.  And neither does our designer.”

“We’d only have been shitting ourselves we were putting it on upside down for the first test.  Now at least if we’re slow we won’t be tying ourselves in knots trying to explain this suspension stuff.”

“We’ll almost certainly be slow for all the usual reasons which we’re much more comfortable with,” he admitted.

Kamui Kobayashi can only surprise the fuck out of the opposition once without penalty in 2012, the FIA have confirmed.

The Japanese stereotype Grand Prix driver was informed of the new regulation along with the rest of the grid following the FIA’s clarification of rules designed to keep all 22 drivers out of hospital this season.

“I’ve spoken to Kamui-san and though he is obviously disappointed one of the key weapons in his armoury is to be blunted, appreciates that this is at least the same for everyone,” team boss, Peter Sauber said.

Which direction to suddenly veer now harder to figure out

“Rest assured that Kamui will nonetheless be working flat out in 2012 to maximise this one chance of scaring the shit out of his fellow competitors.”

“At this time we see no reason to scale back on our reinforced chassis investment nor trash any of the “Koba-Bashi!” merchandise we have in the warehouse trading on his happy-go-lucky malevolent destructive tactics.”

The FIA issued the clarification of the ‘one move’ rule after it became clear some drivers were still weaving all over the road because they believed the instruction meant, ‘one move at a time.’

“At first we thought, you know: they’re racing drivers, maybe they’re a bit deaf or something?” FIA Head of Coming up With Rules and Stuff, Keith Literature said.

“Then we realised: no, they’re not deaf, just racing drivers.  That’s when we decided to reiterate the instruction in bright red font, 100 feet tall and projected onto a spinning 3D image of Jean Todt’s arse.”

It’s thought that Michael Schumacher needs it engraved on a fucking bullet, loaded into a gun and pointed at his children before he gets the message.

Arndale Centre: Derek Daly can’t remember what he’s doing on this landing, but he’s sure it was for something important, writes our geriatric memory-loss correspondent, Knots Landing.

Hired as the Italian Grand Prix driver’s steward representative, the 58 year old Irishman was picked for his long, active and distinguished career in motor racing spanning 3 decades and because he was cheap.

But having come up this flight of stairs and been confronted with an array of doors to go through, the veteran of 49 Grand Prix and one missed blindingly obvious driving misdemeanour is buggered if he can recall what he’s doing here in the first place.

“At first I thought it was because I needed the toilet, as it often is these days,” he told reporters.

“But when I realised my trousers were still dry and there appeared to be no anterior pressure on my bladder I became confused.  It could be my slippers but I think I only wear those when it’s cold and I’ve got my pipe downstairs and the Sanatogen so to be honest, I’m stumped.”

“I can only hope my lackadaisical attention span doesn’t affect any judgments I might have to make during my important role making sure nobody is driving dangerously at 200mph,” he added.

The FIA later sternly defended the selection of Daly from accusations of myopic incompetence, however.

“Derek was an automatic choice, given the budget,” an FIA representative commented.

“Oh, and apparently he used to be an F1 driver as well – which is super.  To be honest, I just thought we’d got Derek Warwick and Daley Thompson mixed up but to end up with someone of Derek’s stature – it says in these press notes – was a really impressive coup; especially given the finances.”

“Oh, I remember what it was now: actually I was wrong,” Daly suddenly recalled, covered in his own excrement.

Two tone generic desert-scape: FIA attempts to slow down the Red Bull Formula 1 team were inspired by a series of slapstick cartoons broadcast in post-war America, writes our fictional comic canine character correspondent, Lupus Murdoch.

Despite the commonly held belief the increasingly hare-brained schemes being deployed over the last few desperate ratings-savings months were solely the brainchild of the retarded, partisan governing body, it’s been revealed that the absurd stratagems were in fact heavily influenced by the infamous Roadrunner and Wile E. Coyote cartoons, penned by Chuck Jones between the 40s and 60s.

“Painting a cave opening onto the side of a mountain, buying a pair of rocket-powered roller-skates or magnetizing ball-bearings disguised as bird seed may seem mis-judged inspiration for an organisation charged solely with the regulation of a single form of motorized competition,” cartoon expert, Dilbert Thundercats told us.

Charlie Whiting ponders his next move

“But the absurd, last-minute, harum-scarum rule-change contrivances of recent races all point to the ravenous moth-eaten wolf’s ludicrously desperate schemes as the blatant progenitor of these similarly hare-brained gerrymandered initiatives.”

The flightless bird-fixated wild dog inhabitant of an anonymous South West American desert first appeared in a Warner Bros. short in 1948 wherein the canine protagonist repeatedly and resolutely fails to catch the aforementioned perpetually-in-motion, tarmac-hugging avian in a doomed series of progressively elaborate schemes.

Yet despite the feral canine’s perpetual failures, it’s suggested the preposterous madcap imagination on display actually inspired the F1 governing body’s response to its own similarly vexing question of how to stop the erstwhile drinks company sponsored petrol-powered projectile from winning absolutely everything.

“Mark my words: an, “accidental” spillage of ACME quick-setting cement in the Hungarian Red Bull pit box or the lowering of distracting gifts – Little Britain DVD’s for Seb and the Mongoose Redemption BMX with rear stunt pegs and Skyway mag wheels for Mark – using fishing rods over the start-finish gantry and it’s obvious what they’re up to,” he added.

“And don’t come out till you’ve found at least 3 things wrong with it”

The governing body have thus far refused to comment on both these claims and the accusation they have turned a blind eye to Ferrari’s proposed car-sized long bow starting system and Mclaren’s similarly controversial see-saw boulder pit-stop personnel kybosh mechanism but are said to be furious their Looney-Tunes stymie strategy is now out in the open.

“Meep! Meep!”, went Jean Todt to a phalanx of journalists before blinking, sticking his tongue out and rushing away in a cloud of dust.