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Archive for February, 2012

Blind faith in the unproven hypothesis Red Bull won’t be able to come up with the best car for the 3rd year running has enabled the F1 media to narrow the Milton Keynes based-team’s advantage for 2012.

Following 2 tests at which all the major players and Lotus drove round and round in circles in an attempt to set the most disingenuous lap times of the winter, pundits were united in their belief that Red Bull couldn’t possibly be about to piss off the viewing public as much as last year, surely?

And as various hacks hurried trackside to scrutinise mid-corner oversteer, gauge fuel levels and compare tyre compounds, the rest returned to their word processors between cobbling together dubious expense claim forms to write 500 words about why everything would definitely be a lot closer this year.

Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit

“These days, gauging everyone’s relative speed in testing is as much an art as it is a science,” journalist, Chesney Pencils told us.

“So with that in mind, I’ve decided not to bother looking at the cars on track much and stay in the warm of the press centre desperately staving off my hangover with endless cups of strong coffee and writing stuff about why Red Bull aren’t as good as last year or Mclaren are better or whatever seems to be the most plausible scenario that vodka-hazed morning.”

And with neither of the faux-trendy, fizzy drink backed cars topping the time sheets over the course of the Iberian tests, the credibility of the competitiveness quotient increase hypothesis began to take on the form of something that almost ceased to sound like pure, trumped-up bullshit.

“Force India, Williams and Sauber setting preposterous lap times was a breath of fresh air for both the upcoming season and my impending deadline,” Pencils continued.

“Especially because now nobody knows what the fuck is going on so I can write any old shit about Williams being a dark horse – again - Ferrari being shit – or good, depending on what day of the week it is – and why Red Bull won’t be as dominant even though I’ve just put last night’s entirely legitimate client entertainment bill on Seb to be a triple world champion come October,” he told us whilst staring at his Twitter updates.

New HRT survives FIA ridicule test

Vitaly Petrov ’s future replacement is to be fashioned from pure 24 carat gold, his Caterham team have announced.

The 27 year old Russian driver recently joined the ex Team-Lotus team from the Lotus team, displacing veteran Italian Jarno Trulli and in the process bringing accusations that the cash-strapped Norfolk chancers were cash-strapped.  Like a bitch.

And the Tony Fernandes bankrolled Tony Fernandes billboard did nothing to dispel such notions by announcing the Russian’s future replacement would themselves be honed entirely from the earth’s most precious metal.

That lot will get you to about Monaco, sir

“The only thing more important to this team than its finances are my finances,” Fernandes told a gathering of journalists.

“And since my accountant keeps reminding me these are essentially the same thing, I have a responsibility towards both to ensure [the team’s] survival in the current testing economic environment.”

“I am therefore insisting that when Vitaly’s contract is up or his bank account is exhausted – whichever comes first – regardless of latent talent and ability, it’s absolutely imperative that the intrinsic value of the replacement asset is worth at least the same as Vitaly.”

The Russian’s sponsorship deal with oil firm Sibur is thought to be worth shit loads of money, helping to eject incumbent veteran Jarno Trulli who himself only had backing from Italian cashback site, Toppo Cashbackelli and pasta manufacturers, Sainsburys Basics.

“It doesn’t even have to be gold, necessarily,” the world’s most famous Asian entrepreneur hat wearer continued.

“Emeralds, sapphires, that weird metal Zirconium or whatever it’s called – even Truffles: just as long as we can sell it later to keep the other advertising banner circulating.  That’s the main thing.”

Petrov’s team mate, Heikki Kovalainen was said to be scouring his house for every last valuable heirloom to try and supplement his main income of flogging all his Formula Renault trophies on Ebay.

Lack of time machine, anti-matter drive, ray gun disappoints gullible Mercedes fan