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Archive for December, 2011

BBC Director General defends cheap F1 deal from his fucking massive house

That funny looking bloke from IT saw a Hulk headline in Autosport and wanted to talk to you for the first time ever.

The 37 year old nerd who spends most of his lunchtimes at Forbidden Planet and appears to only have 1 pair of jeans in his entire wardrobe, thought for a moment that a new film featuring the irate green righter of wrongs had been commissioned and forgot he normally didn’t interact with strangers.

“I was minding my own business watching Twitter slowly whittle away my lifeforce on the back of others’ mind-numbingly inane but incomprehensibly addictive observations when I became aware of a powerful human odour, not my own,” you said, Tuesday.

“Fucking hell!  What happened to my career?”

“I looked up and there was a bloke there who I think fixed my computer once; he’d had a Red Dwarf t-shirt on, didn’t say anything or look at me once, stared intently at my screen from a distance of about 2 inches muttering something about Linux and HTTP protocols, then left abruptly.”

“This time he was wearing a Deep Space Nine t-shirt but it was definitely the same bloke and the same smell.”

Duncan Twelth, who only recently achieved Level 8 Druid status on World of Warcraft thanks to not leaving his bedsit for 48 hours even if it meant having to shit in a bucket and missing his sister’s funeral, overcame his shyness thanks to an enthusiasm for the Bruce Banner alter ego inspired during a traumatic childhood where the level of bullying endured made even his tormentors sick.

“If you think this is frightening, you should see me when I’m angry”

“Once I’d stopped gagging and looked up, I noticed him pointing at my magazine.”

“It was a few seconds before I could figure out what he was doing and then all my powers of persuasion and the strongest close peg I could find to persuade him, far from an apoplectic emerald ball of muscle, the headline actually referred to a slightly sinister German driver returning to F1.”

“Then his face appeared to collapse in slow motion and he ran off.”

“At least I think it was running.  He looked like a newborn foal in a tracksuit trying to navigate a baggage carousel.”

It’s thought the only other time this has happened, Kimi Raikkonen’s voice was mistaken for the Daleks and a number of chat rooms became convinced the next Dr Who episode would feature the genocidal death ray wheelie bins invading the Earth for a laugh whilst half-cut on Smirnoff.

Williams confident they can’t be this shit 2 years running

Mrs Alonso anticipates 2012 Ferrari performance

2012 calendar: Bahrain mass graves, Austin excavation dirt synergies beams Ecclestone