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Arndale Centre: Derek Daly can’t remember what he’s doing on this landing, but he’s sure it was for something important, writes our geriatric memory-loss correspondent, Knots Landing.

Hired as the Italian Grand Prix driver’s steward representative, the 58 year old Irishman was picked for his long, active and distinguished career in motor racing spanning 3 decades and because he was cheap.

But having come up this flight of stairs and been confronted with an array of doors to go through, the veteran of 49 Grand Prix and one missed blindingly obvious driving misdemeanour is buggered if he can recall what he’s doing here in the first place.

“At first I thought it was because I needed the toilet, as it often is these days,” he told reporters.

“But when I realised my trousers were still dry and there appeared to be no anterior pressure on my bladder I became confused.  It could be my slippers but I think I only wear those when it’s cold and I’ve got my pipe downstairs and the Sanatogen so to be honest, I’m stumped.”

“I can only hope my lackadaisical attention span doesn’t affect any judgments I might have to make during my important role making sure nobody is driving dangerously at 200mph,” he added.

The FIA later sternly defended the selection of Daly from accusations of myopic incompetence, however.

“Derek was an automatic choice, given the budget,” an FIA representative commented.

“Oh, and apparently he used to be an F1 driver as well – which is super.  To be honest, I just thought we’d got Derek Warwick and Daley Thompson mixed up but to end up with someone of Derek’s stature – it says in these press notes – was a really impressive coup; especially given the finances.”

“Oh, I remember what it was now: actually I was wrong,” Daly suddenly recalled, covered in his own excrement.