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Archive for December, 2010

Glock, “I’m not going anywhere” Virgin drive tautology shock

Webber injury anger: “if I’d known that I’d have introduced him to the Brazilian arm wrestling champ more robustly”, says Horner

Lewisham Argos: A South London man wanting to sell his 2nd-hand Panasonic 38“ plasma TV on Ebay has offered to break Bernie Ecclestone’s legs if the 80 year old billionaire agrees to sell it for him instead, writes our shameless profiteering correspondent, Hieronymus Basch.

The F1 rights holder’s recent mugging outside his London home created a media storm when the tyrannical billionaire used the series of batterings to flog the idea to fellow profligate tasteless monied arseholes it was somehow worth getting beaten half to death for a hideously ostentatious silver bangle that also tells the time.

Appearing in a series of ads with the tag-line, “see what people will do for a Hublot,” the monstrous shitty twerp has increased brand awareness for the polished metallic colonic bangles 50-fold say Marketing tosspieces, impressed about the distressing number of tragically wealthy retards who may now purchase something that increases their chances of being beaten up in their own street.

Looks suspicious…why did they miss the other eye?

But for Dave Minestrone, currently struggling to sell his 3 year old plasma television on the online hawking site Ebay, Ecclestone’s victim vendor immediately gave the unemployed layabout of one an idea about how to shift the 37“ recalcitrant goggle box.

“I thought Bernie was very clever using his own pummeling to make even more money for himself”, he told us.

“And his excellent attitude of exploiting painful, miserable events to flog any old tat he might have knocking around is one I’d feel personally privileged to exploit.”

“I would therefore like to invite Mr Ecclestone to appear in a specially commissioned ad for my telly, once I’ve taken my golf clubs to his knees,” he explained.

Yours for 60 quid: 100, covered in blood

It’s thought the leg-lamping will be a simple process in which the Head of F1 is ambushed outside his office in Belgravia with a 9 iron and any promotional shots taken in the back of the ambulance using Mr Minestrone’s own Kodak Easyshare whilst the billionaire is removed from the scene in agony.

“I know how important – and expensive – Bernie’s time is”, Dave chuckled.

“So it’s important I’m seen to be taking this seriously and respecting his values and credentials”.

“I’ve even made sure it’s a proper ad”, he continued.  “The pictures are in frames with a coloured border and I’m employing a more expensive – and bigger – font. I’ve also commissioned a professional writer to check my spelling”.

“Well, I say writer. Actually he’s my pharmacist but I figured he has to spell complicated medicines all day for a living so he should be able to at least help us out with describing how many SCART sockets this has.”

Team orders ban ban: FIA rubber stamp 2011 Massa misery

Barnum and Old Bailey: Nelson Piquet and his son, Nelson last night claimed vindication in their battle to clear themselves of accusations of lying when the Crashgate litigation trial settled in favour of them at least being innocent of that bit, writes our metaphorical wooden puppet correspondent, Gepetto Pitstop.

Nearly 2 years after the infamous events of Singapore laid to rest forever the suggestion holding a race in the dark automatically makes it interesting, the Piquet legal trial is the final act of those dark events in 2008, when it was dark.

And in finally successfully suing his former employers Renault for their refutation of race-fixing accusations – implying they could prove Piquet was a cheating scumbag – the verdict earns the pair a significant sum in damages and an insignificant moral weight to be lifted from their shoulders.

“I wonder if – ultimately – I may end up regretting this?”

“I’m sure victory in this trial will seem like a massive relief for the Piquets ”, professional Piquet pundit, Stencil Basketcase told us.

“They would have felt that the stain on their reputation could only have been lifted by taking legal action and the court finding in their favour will have made them feel justified in doing so”.

“Unfortunately, what they’ve failed to realize is that this verdict cannot possibly reverse the overwhelming feeling the rest of the world has had since about 2005 that they’re a pair of narcissistic, avaricious, immature, whining tosspieces ”.

“Frankly, if the pair of them found a cure for Aids, cancer and the global economic crisis on the same day most of the people I know still wouldn’t have pissed on them if they’d been covered in glue, rolled in 50 pound notes and set on fire”, he added.

Drivers have to train hard for the rigours of truck racing, it says here

Oblivious to their own ridiculous awfulness, it’s thought that the Piquets will now smugly disappear to whatever country hasn’t yet figured out what a pair of unbelievable shitholes they are to continue Jr’s increasingly pointless career of driving round in circles.

“It won’t be easy,” Stencil continued, “ they need both a country and a [racing] series so isolated, backward and myopic, the most famous sports gerrymandering event in history has completely passed them by.”

“So truck racing in America it is then”, he concluded.