pitflaps.co.uk

Archive for May, 2010

60th anniversary F1 celebration kicks off with commensurate 500th year ticket price rise

High Wycombe Lexus dealership: Top Japanese hydrocarbon spendthrifts, Toyota have accused F1 of being recklessly meritocratic to the ruinous detriment of itself and other relentlessly mediocre race teams, writes our middle-of-the-road hatchback correspondent, Spam Javelin.

Following 9 years of the sort of investment sufficient to support the industrialisation of a small South American country, the largest car manufacturer in the world left the sport at the end of 2009 having reminded the world in no uncertain terms that it had definitely taken part during that period at least according to various people having remembered these red and white cars tooling around at some point or other.

Toyota: long, glorious tradition of flogging televisions and camcorders to bovine F1 public

“I definitely recall the Toyota cars racing”, F1 fan Percival Smack told us.

“They were the ones that looked like the Mclarens from the 80’s weren’t they? With the Samsung advert? Or was it Sanyo? Anyway, they’re certainly sorely missed. Or are they still going?” he added, wistfully.

“As a company, we are extremely proud of our contribution to Formula 1”, company spokesperson, Fanny Knackersack told reporters.

“But it became increasingly clear during our tenure in the sport that there was an unrealistic expectation of absolute excellence on our part with no such arrangement of shoddy organisation and amateur engineering on the part of F1 in reciprocation”.

“It was never our intention as a company to exhibit this sort of sustained eminence when we joined the sport”, she added, “as anybody who has careered into a shop window as the result of driving one of our Prius’ or ploughed screaming out of control down a motorway embankment in a Lexus would testify”.

The car in front of this one was shitting itself for most of the journey

Formula 1 somehow reacted with disdain to the Japanese manufacturer’s bleating despite it being a sporting body, rather than a sentient being capable of cogent thought resulting in speech.

“We are disappointed in Toyota’s expressed belief that we are a closed shop of unfettered excellence”, a spokesperson spoke.

“And whilst we are flattered by the distinction, we would like to point out the example of Flavio Briatore who has proven beyond any doubt that it is possible – like Toyota – to act like an ostentatious bauble of flatulent thinking and action, possess a bottomless well of stupefying ignorance for the sport you allegedly spend every day working in and somehow still manage to win”.

“I know it seems like it couldn’t possibly have happened”, he added, “but I looked it up: it’s in the Guinness Book of Records and everything”.

Kolles relishing prospect HRT isn’t going to get any worse than this

Heightened fan anticipation at multinational black round thing manufacturer announcement

Noo Yoik: Bringing F1 to New York can rescue the reputation of the US financial sector by showing locals a bunch of people even more venal, profligate and morally bankrupt, writes our capitalist correspondent, Marcus Anal-Dollar.

Following talks with F1 supremo Bernie Ecclestone, boss of the Monticello Motor Club Ari Strauss expressed  confidence that soon local New Yorkers will have a new group of people around which they can focus their disgust and moral outrage.

“The last 2 years have been very challenging for our country”, he told reporters.

“But in many respects – certainly in terms of abuse rather than say, untold riches and morally repugnant decadence – the people who have borne the worst of it live and work right here in the state of New York – on Wall Street.”

NY residents rally to the cause of opulent abhorrents

“Through no fault of their own – apart from having a level of greed that would put Croetius to shame”, Strauss continued, “these hard working gamblers of fellow US citizens’s money have been publicly criticized, barracked and dishonoured simply for having the temerity to giggle like schoolchildren whilst they burned down the economy from inside their own diamond coated bubble of pure gold filled to the brim with the finest caviar, champagne and gorgeous, cocaine-fuelled hookers”.

“It is high time these fine Gucci and Prada clad downtrodden patriots were given the respect they deserve and what better way can they be rehabilitated in the eyes of the great American public than by showing them what a real bunch of egregious, debauched, amoral tossers look like by having F1 come to town”.

Part-time cattle rustler and local plumber, Joe “the plumber” Plumber reacted warmly to the proposal: “ever since the financial meltdown myself and many of my fellow New Yorkers have bonded over our hatred and contempt for the greedy Wall Street assholes who plundered this country and got away with murder”, he yelled, whilst waving a placard.

Could these horrendous self-serving narcissists save the reputation of some repugnant, amoral shit-heaps?

“But I believe as a card carrying, flag-waving member of the US card-carrying and flag-waving club that there comes a time to move on and start hating some other folk: if these eff 1 people are truly as heinous, degenerate, licentious and back-stabbing as we have been led to believe, this could be the way out of our malaise”, he added, pumping his fist and whooping for no apparent reason.

Bernie Ecclestone was unavailable to comment but was thought to be lighting his barbecue with 50 pound notes and wafting the resulting delicious smelling aroma of sausages under the noses of starving Africans whilst being given a blowjob by a 13 year old girl he’d misleadingly promised some crack to.