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That car between 2007 and 2008 called a Honda wasn’t a Honda, say Honda.

Announcing their return to Formula 1 with Mclaren, the Japanese motor manufacturer went on and on about how cool it was to link up with the Woking team just like they had when they were last in the sport winning everything, nearly a quarter of a century ago.

“Partnering with Mclaren reminds me of the last time we were here, in 1992,” Honda president Takanobu Ito said.

Must have imagined it

“We were really, really successful and had cool and sexy drivers all of which became era-defining icons.”

“It’s certainly changed an awful lot since then, in the 2 decades since we were last here.  When obviously, we weren’t here at all,” he explained.

The Mclaren Honda tie-up sent picture editors scurrying to their Prost vs. Senna back catalogue to tediously go over all that shit one more frigging time.

Meanwhile lots of other people swore they had far more recent memories of the company via a blue and green child’s finger painting of a car that used to pop up when the leaders started lapping the field or you were trying to remember what Jenson Button did for a living.

“That definitely wasn’t us,” Ito continued.

“I’ve been here the last 20 years and I’m sure I would have spotted something – like a bill.”

“Toyota had a red and white car; perhaps people are getting us mixed up with them?” he added.

Mclaren have confirmed their Formula 1 car is now being conceived and manufactured by the computer company, Apple.

The Californian gizmo generators were rumbled when the latest Mclaren updates turned out to be some slightly shinier, more sexily shaped bits that as a whole neither made the car look much different or go any faster.

Computer expert, Ardiles Fishtug said, “it’s long been rumoured that Mclaren’s reputation was based on nothing more than the glossiest paintwork in the paddock and a base that looks like a Bond baddie HQ.”

 Look mum!  No signal!

“But it’s only now these heavily hyped, expensive updates have been shown to be no more than bits of fibreglass pointing at slightly different directions that the connection was finally made to the self-promoting gadget-wank specialists’.”

The former world champions had the best looking vehicle in winter testing; making a sound like a racing car and circulating at a speed apparently faster than their other competitors.

But once it hit the track in outright competition in Australia, Mclaren’s latest turned out to be less useful than trying to use Apple Maps in a town you’d have thought big enough to have decent reception rather than this shitty 1 bar I keep getting. For fuck’s sake.

“I’m the best man for the job, I’m the best man for the job, I’m the best man for the job,” team boss, Martin Whitmarsh said over and over again in the hope it would somehow eventually sound convincing.

Somebody with a wide assortment of DIY hand tools has offered to show Bernie Ecclestone what human rights mean in some of the countries Grand Prix are often held in.

Hugh Creditworthy said, “Mr Ecclestone suggests human rights are nothing more than whatever privileges states choose to bestow upon the citizens accidentally born under their jurisdiction.”

I do jurisprudence with the metal bat

“I thought this was an interesting if possibly confused interpretation so am volunteering to educate him with the writings of Hume, Locke and Voltaire, the UN’s Declaration of Human Rights,” he explained.

“And this pair of pliers.”

F1’s commercial rights holding morality vacuum articulated his beliefs to journalists preceding the recent Bahrain Grand Prix before revealing he didn’t actually have any.

“I’m not sure if he gets metaphor, so I may have to do it as an Aesop style fable,” Creditworthy continued.

“My guess is he will do when I start quoting the preamble just after I’ve wired the car battery up to his old fella.”