One of Britain’s top prisons is finalising a deal to hold several Grand Prix in 2015 and beyond.
The South East London penitentiary, famous for incarcerating some of Britain’s most notable criminals and Jeffrey Archer, moved to the head of the F1 venue queue when it was revealed Bernie Ecclestone wanted to work from home more often.
Chief warden, Commissioner Gordon said, “as one of England’s chief chokies, we’re used to dealing with slippery, often violent perpetrators of the worst crimes known to humanity.”
“Negotiating with Mr Ecclestone about hosting a Formula 1 motor race therefore wasn’t any more terrifying than say, having to pacify a naked, oiled up Charles Bronson in an 8ft square prison cell armed only with a truncheon, stun gun and pair of handcuffs.”
“Not much, anyway,” he added.
The proposed 2.8 mile circuit will take in the exercise yard, do a loop round the sentry post and pass through the shower block before powering past both gyms for a grandstand finish.
“We’re going to have some amazing guests from the Grand Prix fraternity at the inaugural race,” Gordon continued.
“And the great thing is looking at this list, at least half of them won’t have to leave at the end of it.”
Amidst tales of reliability issues, recalcitrant champions and once mighty teams spending more time in the garage than the track, the 2 mobile chicanes didn’t fail to disappoint by trundling round last when they weren’t pouring smoke from every orifice, being prodded by a disinterested mechanic with a screwdriver.
F1 world now properly balanced
“But then I ran my finger down the timesheets and discovered that – despite the likes of Red Bull, Lotus and Toro Rosso doing fewer laps than a paraplegic at a swimming gala – they were still faster than the green one that used to be something else and the red one that used to be something to do with the fella with the beard and the spaceship.”
Everyone starting the season with a completely new sheet of paper meant teams wedded to poor designs were free to start again with the potential to move up the grid as others faltered.
But instead it’s turned out it doesn’t matter what the regulations are because nobody at Marussia or Caterham really knew what they were doing in the first place.
“F1 fans are essentially conservative,” Dixon continued.
“So if amidst all the chaos in Melbourne I see a green brick on wheels being lapped every 15 minutes at least I know I won’t need another expensive heart pill prescription.”
“Or fresh colostomy bag”, she added.
Renault have insisted that you’d still have a nicer time if you holidayed in France rather than Germany this year.
The Gallic manufacturer put a brave face on its flimsy drivetrain’s self-destructive habits by insisting you’d still have a much better time frolicking on the beaches of the Cote d’Azur this summer than any equivalent you care to find in Wismar or Neustadt.
Main engine man, Monsieur Aubergine said, “there’s no escaping the elephant in the room here: and that’s that, however impressive German engineering is, the Dordogne is much better value than Dusseldorf any day of the week.”
You know where you can shove Stuttgart too, don’t you?
Knee deep in engine oil trying hard to be heard above the sound of an engine on fire, the Boulogne-Billancourt based builder of the Twingo and Scenic moved swiftly to point out the intoxicating aroma of freshly baked croissants first thing in the morning, breathtaking gorges of the Loire Valley’s Pont d’Arc, Amiens Cathedral’s gothic splendour and the sort of cracking birds you get at pretty much any topless beach on the Croissette.
“Paris is nicer than Berlin, Cologne and Munich put together. The Alps are more beautiful than anything Bavaria has to offer. I mean, just look at Mont San Michel for Christ’s sake – and that’s in Brittany!” Aubergine continued.
“What’s Germany’s most beautiful equivalent? Berchesgarten? Well – at least that won’t leaves a bad taste in the mouth, will it?” he added.
The carnivorous Arctic mammals came together in a show of ursine solidarity towards the world’s premier motorsport category following its transition to a more economical engine formula for 2014.
On behalf of the 450kg furry quadrupeds, head bear translator Terry Nutkins said via a Medium, “we’re all absolutely thrilled to bits Formula 1 has taken its responsibilities seriously towards the very real issue of climate change.”
Hooray!!!! We’re saved!!!!
“As endangered animals relying on the conservation of sea ice to preserve our livelihoods, any efforts to reduce the amount of carbon displaced into the atmosphere gets the thumbs up from us – if we had thumbs that is!” he added.
With fewer than 25,000 bears left owing to pollution, hunting and habitat reduction the improved fuel consumption from 2.5 to less than 4 mpg established under the new F1 regulations will henceforth allow the unwitting fizzy drink festive mascots to frolic for evermore in peace and seclusion, admitted the spiritual species’ conduit.
“Burning through a mere 4,000kg of high octane fuel 20 weekends a year will make a big difference to my chances of crushing a seal’s head to death and appearing as a cuddly environmental icon in future nature documentaries,” continued the disembodied voice of the former presenter of Animal Magic.
“And if you could do anything about the mining companies, oil companies, gas companies and gangs of fucking tooled up Inuits wanting to eat us, that would be even better,” they/he added.