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The Red-Bull-is-contractually-obliged-to-give-you-this-wing issue |
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Horner boasts Red Bull can shoot themselves in the foot in any conditions now _____________________ First dibs on all that incomprehensible German shit Seb has, insists Webber MY motor home: Mark Webber has insisted that Sebastian Vettel’s stuff is all his now or at least, whatever he wants is unless he decides he doesn’t want it any more and then maybe Seb can have it back if he’s absolutely positive it definitely won’t do Seb any good, writes our Antipodean meltdown correspondent, Vince Breakfast.
Following the latest Red Bull fracas at the British Grand Prix in which the Australian driver disagreed vociferously with his team’s decision to give the thing he thought made no difference at all to the driver who thought it did, the Austrian team clarified an amendment to its policy of ambiguous favouritism to one of incoherent partisanship.
“Unfortunately, we found ourselves in an awkward position at Silverstone”, a team communiqué communiqued. “Unable to service both cars to the same level we were forced into making a decision that made our Vettel discrimination completely obvious and depressing”.
“Incapable of locating the back of a beer mat quickly enough, the team had to make a call which - regrettably - appears to be utter bollocks now we’ve had time to think about it for a couple of seconds but, you know...we were drinking a lot of Red Bull and frankly, that stuff is practically hallucinogenic.”
“I’m amazed we were even able to string a coherent sentence together to be honest”, it added.
Mark now much happier. On Seb’s bike Going forwards this now means that - according to Webber - he has first refusal on all his team-mate’s stuff so long as he’s in front of the German in the championship which presumably even he can manage before the next race takes place at Hockenheim.
“I was fair dinkum pissed at the team this weekend”, an angry Webber told the media following his win.
“By not allowing me to screw my team-mate’s weekend by preventing him from having the thing I didn’t want thereby improving my chances by knowing he’d been dicked, made me literally sick”.
“The team have now told me however, that if there is anything of Seb’s I don’t necessarily want or need in future, I can nonetheless claim it if I reckon that in him not having it, that will make him feel worse and me better”.
Paddock pundit Steve BMX believes this puts Webber in a very strong position, considering it also makes him look like a right whining dickhead.
“Mark may have come out of Saturday feeling at rock bottom but he can leave on Sunday justifiably proud of making his entire team feel wretched”, he commented.
Everything now Webber’s, say experts “Seb possesses a number of things nobody could possibly want or need that Mark could definitely earmark that would make Seb feel bad. I’m thinking specifically about his size 8 Pumas and extra small race suits, German translated Tin-Tin books, Waitrose Christmas Stollen recipe cards and Little Britain DVD collection.”
“In being able to legitimately pilfer these from Seb until his inevitable crash into somebody or something or some other typical Mark balls up, Seb’s compromised mentality will surely improve Mark’s chances”, he added.
Although the special privelegess will wear off should Vettel leap back ahead in the standings, Steve reckons it could be significant in the fight for the championship.
“Let’s be honest, neither of them are going to win but if Mark can figure out Seb’s pressure points - maybe it’s his XBox 360 or purple-haired Gonk? there’s every chance he could sneak 4th or maybe 3rd if Alonso can’t control his tendency to shout at everything rather than drive round quickly in circles”, he concluded.
Vettel was thought to be getting comforted by senior Red Bull management with a massive ’99 Flake ice cream with hundreds and thousands on it before being taken to a special exclusive screening of Toy Story 3D for just him and his friends in a helicopter that looked a bit like the one out of Airwolf.
_____________________ BBC to launch second subject for Eddie Jordan to get annoyed about
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Jenson n’ Lewis 2011 Mclaren calendar to be replaced with something less nauseating _____________________ Silverstone resident celebrates 17 year circuit deal
_____________________ Psychic Octopus predicts Red Bull rumpus Das Boat: Paul the Psychic Octopus, Germany’s most famous World Cup predicting cephalopod has stunned viewers in his native homeland by forecasting a 2010 Red Bull meltdown, writes our aquatic bullshit correspondent, Tench Stickleback.
The 2-year-old, 8 legged mollusc has become famous during the World Cup month by uncannily predicting every one of Germany’s results during the tournament.
Asked to select a winner by taking a mussel from a box bearing the flag of either competitor, Weymouth-born Paul, (real name, Steven), correctly selected the winner of each of the Bavarian side’s 7 matches including the habitually successful nation’s failures against both Serbia and eventual winners, Spain.
With the Finals ended however, Paul’s owners were keen to put the Nostradamus nautilus to good use on other sporting events.
Sealife Soothsayer has delighted audiences with his unnatural predictive powers “Myself and my husband only have the aquarium to provide our income”, owner Heidi Anenome said. “If Paul is really psychic it seems only reasonable to us that his powers should be harnessed for the good of both mankind and the new kitchen we’ve set our hearts on”.
The octopus was then set the task of predicting which of the 2 warring Red Bull drivers would win the 2010 drivers championship.
“As patriotic Germans we were obviously hoping Paul would visit Sebastian’s box”, Heidi explained.
“We even defaced Mark’s a bit by altering his picture to make it look more like James Mason’s character from 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea and chucked in some deep fried calamari to try and influence Paul’s thinking”.
Much to Heidi’s chagrin however, the octoped proceeded to engage in behaviour most Cephalopod atypical.
“Paul went mental”, the animal’s handler related, “one second he was wrapping his tentacles around each box trying to rip them out of their moorings, the next he was attacking the flags with his beak.”
Copycat psychics have been warned to stay underwater indefinitely and breathe in. Please. “By the time we could intervene, both boxes were in perspex bits and Paul was hurtling about squirting ink all over them, squawking furiously in some sort of incomprehensible octopus dialect: we’ve never seen anything like it,” she added.
Uncanny fortune-telling aquatic life form experts speculated on the Red Bull preminotory rumpus.
“Octopi are normally placid creatures”, Terry Herring of Terry’s Herrings told us, “that Paul exhibited such violence simply when being asked to make a selection between 2 possible future events suggests his soothsaying octopus mind believed it would only end in tears”.
Long time dead animal anthropomorph kiddy’s entertainer, Johnny Morris suggested another theory meanwhile.
“Paul is already quite old; in human terms he would be 175 next Birthday. It could be therefore that - far from frustration at his preminatory powers being restricted - he has merely gone a bit mental like any typical old person locked in an underwater perspex box and asked to perform party tricks in front of dozens of cameras 24/7 would”, he surmised, from beyond the grave.
“This calamari is absolutely wonderful”, Michael Winner later commented.
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Leaking cosmic Legard verbiage may put off alien visitors, say SETI _____________________ Saplings, trees, easily bruised vegetation, “disappointed” at Raikkonen rally commitment _____________________ Doc fears Alonso eyebrow entanglement rage op now inevitable Los Holby Citios: A top Spanish doctor has warned Fernando Alonso that one more frustration-fuelled bout of extreme brow-furrowing could result in disaster for the former World Champion, writes our hairy face reconstruction correspondent, Mike Structure.
Following 2 controversial races at Valencia and Silverstone, Alonso left viewers and listeners in no doubt as to the Spaniard’s level of frustration during fruity exchanges with his pit crew over the team radio in which he:
It was during the most recent of these Iberian blow-ups that the world famous Institute of Cup Throwing’s Dr Hibiscus San Miguel began to really worry about the Ferrari driver’s hissy fit issues, however.
Alonso outbursts have proved popular with children “As a patriotic Spaniard I have of course taken an interest in his exploits for many years”, the ear, nose, throat and brain specialist told us.
“The sheer size and thickness of Fernando’s brow beard has however, also been a real concern to those of us conscious that frequent violent creasing through excessive cogitation, anger or sneezing could be disastrous for his welfare”.
The outburst expert went on to describe how recent successive frustrations for the monobrowed Ferrari pilot could have implications beyond merely a larger crockery bill for the Scuderia.
“8 weeks ago Fernando was happy to express his frustrations by rolling his eyes and huffing and puffing in a childish, exaggerated fashion,” the doctor explained.
“Recently however, the level of anger reached has caused his face to turn a bright fiery red, his eyes to pop out of his head and his ears to blow out steam with the sound of an old fashioned locomotive in turn causing his hat to spin round on top of his head”.
Interventionist surgery now sadly inevitable, say experts “This could result in what we in the medical profession call ’ fatal frown failure’ in which the eyebrow follicles become knotted together such that only an operation can free the sufferer from permanently looking like that character out of Star Trek the Next Generation - you know, the ’good’ Klingon one.”
Just one more tantrum could push the Spaniard over the edge warns the doc, “it is very serious”, he added stroking his chin thoughtfully whilst peering into a test tube.
“The operation takes up to 5 minutes, involves cutting off the unfortunate sufferer’s actual hair and can prove fatal if the person performing the operation slips and rams the scalpel through the brain of the patient”.
A Ferrari spokesperson was unavailable for comment because he was behind a locked door being shouted at continually by an unidentified 20-something Latin gentleman.
_____________________ Silverstone fucking brilliant at everything now, says Hill _____________________ Petrov’s future in own bank account, says Boullier |
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