The 28 year old crashaholic recently stated joining Lotus was the best decision he’d ever made despite the fact he’d done fewer miles in it than between his apartment and the local corner shop where he buys his milk.
But experts say his comments must be tempered by the fact that this is a man who also thought Russell Crowe was convincing as an 18th Century French singing policeman.
I think I’ve had that dream about Pastor too, love
Face like a punched turnip musical theatre behemoth, Andrew Lloyd-Webber said, “I thought Pastor’s comments about Lotus were a little far-fetched but that maybe he knew something I didn’t?”
“But then somebody told me that he’d thought Anne Hathaway’s singing was really moving and Hugh Jackman’s performance towering and I realised his opinions weren’t worth the shit they’d obviously been written in.”
The Venezuelan joined the Enstone team in the full knowledge half their personnel had just left whilst their funding appeared to come from scratch cards.
But despite this, the Easter Island statue looky-likey still both managed to construct, consider and let out of his mouth the belief his situation was completely brilliant.
“I’m sure Pastor was certain in his own mind of what he was saying,” the terrifyingly visaged impresario continued.
“But since that seems to have been rented out to a lunatic, I think we can treat that with the ton of salt it deserves.”
Lotus are to slow down time so there’s no chance you’ll find out whether they actually do dig themselves out of their latest shit-hole.
In a risky development move, the Enstone team are diverting their already restricted R&D budget towards circumventing the known laws of Relativity in an attempt to ensure the entire grid make it to Barcelona in an equivalent 2048 by which time everyone will either have forgotten their vacuous promises or already be dead.
Time Team’s Tony Robinson said, “it looks as though Lotus are going to try and summon more energy than the sun burns in a year to create a Wormhole in the fabric of space time through which the Earth and all its occupants will pass at less than 1% of the current speed.”
…and the great thing is we can fit both cars in and never see them again
“Considering they could have just tried to prevent the engine overheating or cleaned up the aero or something, on the face of it: it does seem a bit of a risky strategy,” he added.
Lotus started the year with a shortfall of funds, then had a shortfall of personnel and upon launching their “twin tusk” car capped it with a shortfall of credibility.
Yet despite this, the team remained bullish about their prospects, announcing they would improve dramatically come the start of the European season
“It’s a pretty big ask,” Robinson continued.
“They’re financed by a loan from a Hedge Fund, the team principal has left, both drivers have the same psychological profile as Dexter and the car looks like it’s been designed by a bloke who fell asleep on an animal encyclopedia.”
“Presumably Pastor’s chequebook is bigger than we thought though?” the bloke who used to be Baldrick concluded.
The Red Bull Racing Formula 1 team is possessed by the spirit of Karora, a creator God from Aboriginal mythology.
Daniel Ricciardo’s 2nd straight catastrophic race after being disqualified from the season opener in Melbourne made it clear white Australians aren’t welcome at the fizzy drink team with Aboriginal spirits the number one suspects.
Didgereedoo bothering alleged pederast, Rolf Harris said “Aborigines have for thousands of years constructed a mythological catechism around the natural world to create meaning for the environment they inhabit.”
We fucked up Alan Jone’s diet regime as well
“Layering the whole of Australia’s topography with cultural nuance and deeper meaning they empower selected audiences through story with the accumulated wisdom and knowledge of Aboriginal ancestors back to time immemorial.”
“So when a bunch of Ozzies turn up raping and killing most of them before pissing beer all over their sacred landscape, this tends to annoy them somewhat,” he explained.
It’s thought that Aboriginal elders got together and put a hex on the Red Bull team having successfully identified Mark Webber as a member of the hated race; successfully condemning the 37 year old and any subsequent white native of the land of Ayers Rock, barbecues and institutionalised sexism.
“Whenever a wheel fell off, gearbox broke, tyre deflated or FIA dictat was applied unfairly you can bet Karora was behind it,” Harris continued.
“Or: failing that, it might be Alastair Cook stabbing that voodoo doll he bought on the last England cricket Caribbean tour – one or the other, I expect”.
The ex-Toro Rosso pilot apparently took his new mount to 2nd at his home race only to discover long after the locals had thanked the fucking Lord an Ozzie wasn’t going to fuck everything up again, that his team had fucked it all up instead.
But far from being disappointed, the bloke who looks like a donkey catching sight of itself in a mirror for the first time revealed subterfuge was really what he was into.
Suckers! I’m keeping these, too
“It had always been my dream to stand on the podium at a Grand Prix,” the Red Bull driver explained.
“But even more than that, I’ve fantasised about achieving it entirely fraudulently just so I can dishonestly milk the applause and thereby feel massively superior to, a bunch of gullible fuckwits.”
“If they could be fellow Ozzies too, that’s even better,” he declared.
The 24 year old revealed his dishonourable dreams of glory were sparked by cycling’s very own Shimano of shame, Lance Armstrong.
“Lance was the greatest,” Ricciardo continued.
“All those Tour de Frances; everyone thinking he was the best cyclist the world had ever seen and yet every single day absolutely ripped to the tits on re-oxygenated blood and wacky pills, pissing himself at everyone else thinking it’s genuine.”
“Now: try and tell me that’s not classy,” he added.