Everyone is looking at the 2014 F1 rule changes and crossing their fingers it’s the equivalent of David Moyes turning up to take charge of your football team.
Sebastian Vettel’s 4th title in a row drove many to contemplate the terrifying prospect of nothing but the grinning German Care Bear on the top step of the rostrum at least until osteoporosis finally sets in.
But radical new technical regulations have now convinced every desperate F1 fan it will have the same effect on the Austrian team as replacing the most successful manager in your team’s history with a Glaswegian Mr Potato Head.
How many points are we going to get in December?
Mclaren enthusiast Jules Sweetbreads said, “like everyone else, I feared a nightmarish dystopian future in which Seb stood atop the podium for everymore.”
“But now the engines and the cars are going to be a bit different, I’ve convinced myself Red Bull are going to go from perpetual champions elect to like what Aston Villa were under John Gregory: shit.”
Moyes famously succeeded the multiple-championship winning Sir Alex in May and has seemed intent on balancing out the average trophy haul for the famous club whilst he’s still able, possibly until January.
“Red Bull are definitely going to be shit,” Sweetbreads included.
“I mean, look at 1998: the last time Newey was confronted by massive regulation changes. How bad was that car?”
Max Chilton ’s record breaking 2013 finishing record is actually twice as impressive, say experts.
Scientists at Newcastle-under-Lyme’s Max Planck institute of Applied Thinking about Crazy Shit have shown how the Hampshire driver’s unbroken sequence of race finishes is exactly twice that amount thanks to the quantum principle of time dilation.
Head combover in a lab coat, Professor Moss Relaxants said, “completing nearly 20 races in a row is undoubtedly impressive. But completing them in a Marussia is even more impressive as time travels much more slowly at that speed.”
Nope: still looks slow to me
“It’s something to do with physics and shit and is well hard to understand but take my word for it: what Max did was sick!” the scientist explained.
The 22 year old Surrey chequebook has spent the season largely out of the limelight at the back of the grid.
But 19 races later – or 38 in Einsteinian terms – the paddock were amazed to discover the Surrey lad had somehow completed every one of them, albeit at a pace that would see him complete the same number of miles Sebastian Vettel did by the time the latter had got his 8th frigging title.
“I’d like to thank my dad and his now slightly less enormous bank account,” Max told reporters.
“Luckily, I am going so slowly I get enough time to wave at everyone whilst I’m going round so hopefully everyone knows how grateful I am by now.”
Nico Hulkenberg might stop crying eventually, possibly after he’s finished slamming his head in a filing cabinet.
F1 advocate and self-confessed web expert, Stench Diesel told us, “Mark thought he was being clever posting then immediately deleting stuff as he knew his opinions would be broadcast but in a way that made it look like he meant them to be private.”
“But he can’t have been all that smart judging by what I found.”
The out-of-work security guard claims to have spotted the errant romantic paean when the retiring Red Bull pilot published then immediately took down a host of damning comments on his own website.
Such beautiful eyes…
But if the 9 time Grand Prix winner thought he was being clever he hadn’t allowed for the “black hat” web skills of the 42 year-old divorcee from South Shields.
“The stuff about Horner and Marko I expected,” Stench began.
“What I didn’t expect was an unformatted Word Doc called, “Oh Pretty German chick; How I Ache for your Peck of Passion, however.”
The father of 5 currently with a restraining order not to go within a 1 mile radius of Oxford’s Blackbirds Leys Estate explained what he saw.
“It was pretty incredible: he may talk the talk of an embittered athlete vanquished, then humiliated by his younger more gifted opponent but some of the things I read wouldn’t look out of place in a hard core gay pornographic magazine,” Stench continued.
“Not that I know what that would look like; as I proved to the judge, those periodicals could have come from anywhere as there’s no way I would have let my children get anything like the access to them my wife was suggesting.”
But whilst a sceptical press has questioned the veracity of the claims, Stench is sticking to his guns.
“I know it seems unbelievable but all I can ask people to do is be open minded,” he explained.
“That and have 500 quid to hand. Maybe 400 if I like the look of you.”