Mini-cab career enquiries surge

Careers officers have seen a surge in the number of small boys who want to drive taxis when they grow up.

The sudden spike in interest came after an incredibly exciting Bahrain Grand Prix encouraged thousands of young F1 fans to think cabbing must be one of the sexiest careers on earth, if this is what hanging around outside Spearmint Rhino at 3AM in a vomit-stained Vauxhall Sharan is like.

Careers expert, Peaches Gandalph said, “traditionally, such a demographic possess nascent urges to be astronauts, footballers, racing drivers or Richard Branson.”

luca di montezemolo calls F1 taxi-cab racing


“But ever since Luca di Montezemolo compared F1 to taxi driving, such impressionable minds have reacted by wondering if it might not after all simply be a profession for short-tempered, middle-aged racists.”

“Ever since dad took me to my first race at Silverstone, I’ve dreamed of driving for Ferrari,” wannabe 10 year old racer, Buster Fringe told us.

“But now I know all I need is a drivers licence and a 15 year old Mercedes to have the same amount of fun, I’ve decided to hang up my F1 dreams for good and sign up for a career with Addison Lee.”

“Where – come to think of it – I won’t need a drivers licence either,” he added.

Yeah, but Maldonado thought Les Miserables was good as well

Whatever Pastor Maldonado says about Lotus, you have to take into account the fact the Venezuelan also loved Les Miserables.

The 28 year old crashaholic recently stated joining Lotus was the best decision he’d ever made despite the fact he’d done fewer miles in it than between his apartment and the local corner shop where he buys his milk.

But experts say his comments must be tempered by the fact that this is a man who also thought Russell Crowe was convincing as an 18th Century French singing policeman.

Pastor Maldonado Lotus

I think I’ve had that dream about Pastor too, love

Face like a punched turnip musical theatre behemoth, Andrew Lloyd-Webber said, “I thought Pastor’s comments about Lotus were a little far-fetched but that maybe he knew something I didn’t?”

“But then somebody told me that he’d thought Anne Hathaway’s singing was really moving and Hugh Jackman’s performance towering and I realised his opinions weren’t worth the shit they’d obviously been written in.”

The Venezuelan joined the Enstone team in the full knowledge half their personnel had just left whilst their funding appeared to come from scratch cards.

But despite this, the Easter Island statue looky-likey still both managed to construct, consider and let out of his mouth the belief his situation was completely brilliant.

“I’m sure Pastor was certain in his own mind of what he was saying,” the terrifyingly visaged impresario continued.

“But since that seems to have been rented out to a lunatic, I think we can treat that with the ton of salt it deserves.”

Bahrain sparks new F1 engine noise criticism

Bahrain sparks new engine noise criticism

Lotus to slow down time

Lotus are to slow down time so there’s no chance you’ll find out whether they actually do dig themselves out of their latest shit-hole.

In a risky development move, the Enstone team are diverting their already restricted R&D budget towards circumventing the known laws of Relativity in an attempt to ensure the entire grid make it to Barcelona in an equivalent 2048 by which time everyone will either have forgotten their vacuous promises or already be dead.

Time Team’s Tony Robinson said, “it looks as though Lotus are going to try and summon more energy than the sun burns in a year to create a Wormhole in the fabric of space time through which the Earth and all its occupants will pass at less than 1% of the current speed.”

lotus F1 team to slow down time

…and the great thing is we can fit both cars in and never see them again

“Considering they could have just tried to prevent the engine overheating or cleaned up the aero or something, on the face of it: it does seem a bit of a risky strategy,” he added.

Lotus started the year with a shortfall of funds, then had a shortfall of personnel and upon launching their “twin tusk” car capped it with a shortfall of credibility.

Yet despite this, the team remained bullish about their prospects, announcing they would improve dramatically come the start of the European season

“It’s a pretty big ask,” Robinson continued.

“They’re financed by a loan from a Hedge Fund, the team principal has left, both drivers have the same psychological profile as Dexter and the car looks like it’s been designed by a bloke who fell asleep on an animal encyclopedia.”

“Presumably Pastor’s chequebook is bigger than we thought though?” the bloke who used to be Baldrick concluded.

Red Bull Racing possessed by Aboriginal spirits

The Red Bull Racing Formula 1 team is possessed by the spirit of Karora, a creator God from Aboriginal mythology.

Daniel Ricciardo’s 2nd straight catastrophic race after being disqualified from the season opener in Melbourne made it clear white Australians aren’t welcome at the fizzy drink team with Aboriginal spirits the number one suspects.

Didgereedoo bothering alleged pederast, Rolf Harris said “Aborigines have for thousands of years constructed a mythological catechism around the natural world to create meaning for the environment they inhabit.”

Red Bull Racing possessed by Aboriginal spirits

We fucked up Alan Jone’s diet regime as well

“Layering the whole of Australia’s topography with cultural nuance and deeper meaning they empower selected audiences through story with the accumulated wisdom and knowledge of Aboriginal ancestors back to time immemorial.”

“So when a bunch of Ozzies turn up raping and killing most of them before pissing beer all over their sacred landscape, this tends to annoy them somewhat,” he explained.

It’s thought that Aboriginal elders got together and put a hex on the Red Bull team having successfully identified Mark Webber as a member of the hated race; successfully condemning the 37 year old and any subsequent white native of the land of Ayers Rock, barbecues and institutionalised sexism.

“Whenever a wheel fell off, gearbox broke, tyre deflated or FIA dictat was applied unfairly you can bet Karora was behind it,” Harris continued.

“Or: failing that, it might be Alastair Cook stabbing that voodoo doll he bought on the last England cricket Caribbean tour – one or the other, I expect”.

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In Shorter