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A bloke who everyone thought was a potato turns out to be an F1 driver, it’s been revealed.

The driver had been hiding inside a Williams F1 car which, because it had been going so slowly, made nobody suspect anything untoward.

F1 fan Mitchell Bitchell said, “I like Williams but were surprised when, based on the photographs I saw they appeared to announce a potato was driving for them.”

Brakes, steers, tastes great deep-fried with fish

“I just assumed they were getting sponsorship money from McCain or maybe the Jersey Potato marketing board or something because Maldonado’s money had already gone on repair bills.”

But the F1 world was shocked to discover the King Edward lookalike was really 23 year-old, Valtteri Bottas when the non-vegetable matter-based Finn came 3rd in Montreal qualifying and had to attend the post qualifying press conference.

“I thought it might get a bit awkward,” James Allen said later.

“I knew what I could ask Seb and Lewis but had literally no tuberous esculent questions in my locker.”

“I was going to fall back on asking whether he thought he’d have his chips on the run down to the first corner – you know; as one of those humorous asides I’m so well known for – but fortunately it turned out he was a fully functioning human being capable of thought, speech and emotion so it didn’t matter in the end,” the BBC 5-Live commentator said.

Realisation that the 2nd car is not being driven by a vegetative being will bring extra pressure to bear on the team from Grove as a result, however.

“It certainly looks like they’ve swapped a potato for a lemon!” Allen quipped to a rapidly emptying room.

Di Resta’s mechanics aren’t sure Paul knows how much of a tit they think he is.

The 26 year old Stephen Hendry tribute act has suffered consecutive Q1 qualifying cock-ups thanks to carefully engineered team screw-ups designed to annoy the Scottish foghorn as much as possible.

But subsequent points finishes have meant the walking call centre legal statement voice immediately forgot the whole team hate him, annoying the shit out of his fellow antagonisers.

Bez, “less” irritating

A mechanic not wishing to be named called Steve said, “you lot only get him for 90 seconds; we have to put up with him 24/7.”

“Every time he opens his pasty mouth I find myself mentally panicking about my bank balance, then suddenly remember I haven’t called RBS and it’s just Paul moaning about tyres or understeer or Partick Thistle’s league form or something.”

“I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to smash his face in with a claw hammer then feed him to a pack of vicious woodland animals, therefore,” he added.

So far the team have “forgotten” to bring him in for a new set of tyres and “accidentally” left a slice of toast in the gearbox but confess they’re running out of spiteful actions that don’t appear utterly blatant.

“Can you pretend the piss on his cornflakes is really some engine oil somebody accidentally spilled on the way past his bowl,” Steve questioned?

“Or maybe we could just piss straight into the fuel tank or something? Actually, write that down; that’s good,” he added.

Engineers have demonstrated tyres are merely a ring-shaped covering of rubber designed to protect a wheel rim to expedite the forward motion of a vehicle.

The breakthrough was confirmed by top oval rubber scientists at the CERN laboratory in Switzerland and live tweeted to astonished journalists at 4:13PM yesterday afternoon by top tyre blogger, RubberDude1974; a 39 year old divorced ICI fork-lift driver, also known as Keith Dewsbury.

“Detailed experiments and reporting now peer reviewed; confirm rubber tyres enable better vehicle performance #f1 #tyres #rubber #roundshit”

When would you all like me to kill myself?

Word soon spread through the F1 paddock like wildfire. Dumbfounded paddock veteran, Chuck Chickpeas said, “this is the single most amazing revelation since the Crashgate scandal. If I wasn’t about to keel over from drink I think I would keel over from this.”

“Can somebody help me up by the way?” he added.

Tyres were often suspected of merely providing traction between the vehicle and the road whilst providing a flexible cushion that absorbs shock.

But the consensus that they are an F1 political football used to create a background din of controversy and contretemps, undermine fellow competitors and generally distract everyone from potentially important stuff like the fact nobody can afford to race any more, proved hard to dislodge.

“Well fuck my tits; this has completely blown my mind,” said Natalie Pinkham.

“What’s a tyre again?”

Michael Schumacher ‘s legacy is to be reevaluated by a panel of independent lawyers.

The 7 times twice retired champion used to be the most feared competitor on the grid before his comeback in 2010 made him the most embarrassing person to hang out with at a Taki Inoue book signing.

But Lewis Hamilton’s recent arse kicking by erstwhile team-mate, Nico Rosberg have forced people to re-examine their re-examination of the German legend-or-was-he?

Don’t look so stupid now, do I?

Grand Prix legend-evaluator, Mick Hucknall commented, “Michael Schumacher was a legend, then he wasn’t.”

“But maybe it’s time for us to look again at what made us all change our minds? Unless it isn’t and we were right all along.”

“Hang on, does that mean he’s a legend or not? See, even I’m confused,” the singer of hit singles Holding Back the Years and that other one said.

The panel, comprised entirely of rejected jury members from The Voice has been instructed to report back to a panel of FIA pundits made up entirely of rejected jury members of The ‘X’ Factor by the end of F1′s summer break.

Michael Ball said, “ranking Grand Prix drivers is one of the hardest idle pastimes in the entire field of sports-guessmanship.”

“Didn’t Justin Wilson use to kick Mark Webber’s arse every week, for example? So you see what I mean?”

“Fuck knows,” he added.